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January 19th, 2005
08:53 pm
My loves
Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?
I love The Postal Service. It's a band, by the way. And one of my very favorites 
Their music is so wonderful. It expresses what I cannot: this need for
love that I feel. Their lyrics say the words that have been caught in
my throat for almost my entire life. They (and, in fact, all of the
other bands I listen to) have been an endless escape for me, taking me
to places I have never even dreamed (dreamt?) of...
Music has provided me with more inspiration than anything else;
whenever I feel I have a case of writer's block (even though I know
that such a thing is a lie) all I have to do is listen to one of my
favorite songs, and then all I have to do is take a few of their words
and change them a bit, make them more original and me, and then I have
a new poem. It's wonderful. I love it.
My music is my love. 08:53 pm
Hey everyone,
Sorry if I'm being weird, I'm totally out of it.
Lately, nothing has felt right to me, and I cannot make up my mind
about anything, like my Winter Formal dress, or whether or not I'm
happy that Freelin is going to the Winter Formal with me.
I don't know, part of me thinks that it's fine that I like him, I
mean, he's only a friend and I know that will not change; I can tell,
he just doesn't have feelings for me, which kind of brings me down. But
then, I realise that I must accept the fact that he is only a friend, and I had better get my feelings for him over, and soon.
I really feel like I can be in a relationship again, especially
considering that I am over my feelings for Dorian and everything (thank
the gods!) and there are some great guys out there that are like a
million times better than Dorian.
I wish that I could be
in a relationship, though... People never really end up liking me, and
I don't know why. I guess I'm just "too much of a friend" to them, or
they're interested in someone else, maybe they think of me as a sister;
the fact of the matter is, no one ever really feels physical or sexual
attraction for me. If only I were beautiful, like Kimber or Taschy, or
Sara or Kyttie, maybe even Lizzie, Lauren, or Ariel...they all have
such beauty, something I could never hope to possess.
Kimber is back together with Cassidy (a boy), and it seems like
Taschy and Klae might be back together, and I just feel so very lonely,
I feel kind of left behind you could say. I don't know.
I hate this pressure that I'm putting on myself...but I can't help it. I want to be pretty, I want people to like me, I mean really like me. I'm so envious of those who are in long and steady relationships, it makes me feel so very left out.
::lovesick sigh:: 10:53 pm
-It has become a silhouette-
There is a little box held in my palm,
in which my cold dreams dare to grow.
There is a little hope inside my heart,
though I should have killed it long ago.
There is a little world inside my head,
now it's so much bigger than before.
And these little cracks upon my sanity
happen to continue growing even more.
It has all become a silhouette now,
there's nothing left for you to see.
Sorry the spectacle is over, folks,
the freakshow once known as Me.
"She has broken," says the ringmaster,
"From all of your taunts put her way.
She has finally found the answers,
and they haunt her to this day."
There is nothing left for me in this world,
and I am seeing why I was worth leaving.
I know now that there is no power left
in things such as knowledge and believing.
So please do not wake me, I wish to sleep,
for much more than the bliss in dreams.
There is no more room in my broken heart,
and the pain is tearing it at the seams.
I want to believe them when they say
that there is truth that love is real.
But it's hard to believe in something
that I don't think I could ever feel.
So please think nothing of my unfeeling,
and don't ask about all my screaming.
I know that by now I am far gone,
so I spend all of my hours dreaming.
And in this world there are no ghosts,
and nobody left to keep me company.
I have finally decided why I am all alone,
I know there is nobody to blame but me.
Perhaps I am merely a dark shadow now,
or perhaps that is what I have always been.
Maybe there is nothing for me in this world,
for I've got nothing left to lose or win.
I wonder what's buried underneath the surface,
for we all have so many things to hide.
I need not know everything about everyone,
I just want to see who they really are inside.
Do not give me your words of wisdom,
do not even try to tell me what I should do.
I will figure these things out on my own,
and I will never need to listen to you.
There was a box held in my palm,
in which my cold dreams dared to grow.
There was a hope inside my heart,
and I didn't kill it all that long ago.
There was a world inside my head,
but I had it killed not too long before.
And these cracks upon my sanity
have continued growing even more...
~
Dear Rachel (aka Texan),
Yes, I DID steal from your poem.
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!
OMG
See, I suddenly had the urge to write down these words, and then, afterwards, I realized that some of them were YOUR words!
If you want me to, I'll take this poem off the internet.
Just give me the word.
...::still feels guilty::
Waaah...
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