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Mon, Apr. 11th, 2005, 12:42 am
My lover is leaving me!
Freelin is leaving Guajome!
;_;
We have talked about this for a while now, I knew it was going to happen...
But now Spring Break is over, and tomorrow I go back to school...
And for the first time in two months...
Freelin won't be there.
Oh gods.
I am a very clingy and needy person, and it is VERY hard for me to deal
with things like this; big changes are really tough for me, especially
ones involving those I am in a close relatioship with (be it friends,
significant others, or otherwise).
And, damn, I left my medication at my other house.
Tomorrow (or rather, today, seeing as it is 12:35 AM at the moment)
will be an emotional rollercoaster for me, I can tell already.
Random spouts of crying...
But I'll try hard not to.
And I'll try even HARDER not to complain about this too much to people...
I just don't want to be a bother to anyone.
But please bear with me for the moment, my friends, for I need you now.
Please bear what will undoubtedly be extreme clingyness, as is my nature.
I love you guys!
 Sat, Feb. 26th, 2005, 10:22 am
For invasion of the hollow hills...
Oh, good gods, someone save me now...
...
For as long as we have lived in this house, I have been haunted, so haunted...
Before I only felt a presence, a little something outside my window;
whether or not it wished harm upon me I did not know. But what I do
know is that it has been getting worse and worse, and I have never been
this scared.
At first, I felt something watching me from my window; it was
nothing bad, it just freaked me out. And I was too young to be very
afraid of it, for I did now know what it could do to me, or rather,
what it will do to me, or will at least continue to try to do to me.
I am scared, so scared, oh my gods.
The presence has made itself more and more known throughout the years,
slowly but surely creeping towards me, getting closer and closer
everytime.
It began by observing me.
Now it is getting closer...
and closer...
closer...
so much closer...
And there is nothing I can do about it.
It was years ago that I heard it enter into the house through our
side door. I could hear it creeping through the house, I could hear its
joints crack as it walked, and its heavy breathing which was more like
panting, I could hear it salivating.
But, oh gods, one night, still years ago, it entered my room.
I did not see it; I was too afraid to open my eyes. I did not want to see it. But I could feel
it, merely a presence in the room. And of course, I could hear it
breathing still, I could hear its mouth opening and closing, its fangs
squeaking past its other teeth, its salivation... It seemed so full of
malice: The air seemed to be thick with its evil.
But I dared not open my eyes, for I feel that something horrible
shall happen if I were to do just that...That its presence shall be set
in stone, and along with it, my death...
But, gods, it does not end there...
Of COURSE it does not end there...
There is yet more to this...
For one night, I heard it enter through the side door; I heard it
walking; and, strangely enough, I heard it playing my piano: Moonlight
Sonata by Beethoven, my all-time favorite piece. Then I heard it
walking towards me, I could feel it enter my bedroom...
Suddenly, I could feel it only inches away from my bed. I could
not scream; could not speak; could not open my eyes; I even could not
control my own body. I found myself moving around in my bed, for some
reason, trying to get closer to it, as if in a trance, as if I were being controlled by something else...
I snapped out of it to find my arms reaching off of my bed, I could feel something in my hands for maybe a split second...
But then it was gone, and I was sitting in my bed, alone.
But, no, even there it does not end.
Just last night...
Oh, gods, it was horrible.
I awoke in a cold sweat.
I could feel it, right beside me for a moment...
But then, once again, I lost control over my body completely...
I felt myself sit up, I was shaking madly, my lips were moving with no
sound coming out, my eyes fluttering open slightly but I could not
see...
I found myself moving closer to the presence...
I snapped out of it just in time. Nothing else happpened the whole night, except for me hearing it go back outside...
...Help me... Sun, Feb. 6th, 2005, 02:48 pm
Why is this all happening so suddenly?
Freelin and I agree that the four-day weekend coming up (the 12th-14th)
will be absolutely perfect, seeing as the 12th is the Winter Formal
(which will be totally kickass) and the 14th is Valentine's Day.
I have already figured out what to give him for V Day--The three
addictions: Shasta Strawberry Soda (mixed with whisky), Hot Cheetos
with Lime, and that awesome mouth-numbing gel stuff. We have decided
that we want to see Garden State, because that is the best movie ever
and he has not yet seen it. It is my current favorite movie, and the
best romance movie OF ALL TIME, no doubt about it.
Hmm...I wonder what he is getting for me for Valentine's Day...
Oh, gods, not like I even really care.
All I want is to spend Valentine's Day with him, a whole day, dedicated to us and only us.
A whole four-day weekend for couples, the dance and then V Day, I cannot wait.
I am still so shocked and so very happy that I have a Valentine this year, I never thought that I would...
This is so great.
I have never, ever been so happy with anybody.
He makes me laugh and makes me smile, and though I really do not like
to compare people, liking him does not hurt like liking Dorian did.
He is so great, so amazing, he is everything I could ever want in a guy, I cannot even describe how I feel about him...
But really, I could go on for pages and pages about Freelin, but I'd rather not.
Instead I would like to thank all of my friends, who, no matter
hard things got, were always there for me. All of you were always there
to hear what I had to say, even if it was just me obsessing over Dorian
or Freelin (depending on the timing); you were all there to give me
advice when I asked for it, but you never, ever lectured me; you never
scolded or chastised me for my wrongdoings, instead, you supported me
all the way, through all of my endeavors, through all of my pain. You
were there for me when I really, really needed it.
I would especially like to thank Lauren and Ariel at the moment,
because they took me out of class when I broke down, and they took me
to a quiet room where I could talk to them, and just let it all out.
Thu, Jan. 27th, 2005, 08:53 pm
...Love? Like? Care?...
Okay so, yesterday I went to Panda Express and then Starbucks with
Freelin after school. It was awesome, we just goofed around and talk
about unimportant things.
...then some stuff happened at Starbucks...
and then I asked Freelin out...
and he said yes...
And we ended up talking about our past failed relationships, and how much we missed being in a relationship.
::smiles::
We sat there, smiling shyly at each other, for what seemed like
forever...it was kind of awkward, we're both shy people, and we weren't
sure what we should do at a moment like this.
But now, I just want to hold him in my arms...to be held by him all day then kissed goodbye...that's what I need...
And I told him that, and he told me that is what he needs, as well!
I'm so happy now, to have someone as cool as he is for my boyfriend...
We talked about what we wanted in a relationship, really communicated, you know?
And it turns out that we are quite similar in our wants and needs.
He said that he was cuddly...hee...
It's perfect, so perfect. Or, at least, it seems to be.
Wow.
My boy friend has become my boyfriend, and all I had to do was ask.
I'm never going to forget the way he looked at me; he was happy,
but a little shocked himself...he looked so shy and sweet and
sincere...
I hope that things will work out between us, I really like him.
...he's so awesome.
::shocked::
Wow. I still can't believe that Freelin is my boyfriend! WOAH. This is KRAZY with a 'K'.
YAY
::dances happily::
Hahaa.
My boyfriend is hotter than yours!  Wed, Jan. 19th, 2005, 10:53 pm
-It has become a silhouette-
There is a little box held in my palm,
in which my cold dreams dare to grow.
There is a little hope inside my heart,
though I should have killed it long ago.
There is a little world inside my head,
now it's so much bigger than before.
And these little cracks upon my sanity
happen to continue growing even more.
It has all become a silhouette now,
there's nothing left for you to see.
Sorry the spectacle is over, folks,
the freakshow once known as Me.
"She has broken," says the ringmaster,
"From all of your taunts put her way.
She has finally found the answers,
and they haunt her to this day."
There is nothing left for me in this world,
and I am seeing why I was worth leaving.
I know now that there is no power left
in things such as knowledge and believing.
So please do not wake me, I wish to sleep,
for much more than the bliss in dreams.
There is no more room in my broken heart,
and the pain is tearing it at the seams.
I want to believe them when they say
that there is truth that love is real.
But it's hard to believe in something
that I don't think I could ever feel.
So please think nothing of my unfeeling,
and don't ask about all my screaming.
I know that by now I am far gone,
so I spend all of my hours dreaming.
And in this world there are no ghosts,
and nobody left to keep me company.
I have finally decided why I am all alone,
I know there is nobody to blame but me.
Perhaps I am merely a dark shadow now,
or perhaps that is what I have always been.
Maybe there is nothing for me in this world,
for I've got nothing left to lose or win.
I wonder what's buried underneath the surface,
for we all have so many things to hide.
I need not know everything about everyone,
I just want to see who they really are inside.
Do not give me your words of wisdom,
do not even try to tell me what I should do.
I will figure these things out on my own,
and I will never need to listen to you.
There was a box held in my palm,
in which my cold dreams dared to grow.
There was a hope inside my heart,
and I didn't kill it all that long ago.
There was a world inside my head,
but I had it killed not too long before.
And these cracks upon my sanity
have continued growing even more...
~
Dear Rachel (aka Texan),
Yes, I DID steal from your poem.
I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!
OMG
See, I suddenly had the urge to write down these words, and then, afterwards, I realized that some of them were YOUR words!
If you want me to, I'll take this poem off the internet.
Just give me the word.
...::still feels guilty::
Waaah...
Wed, Jan. 19th, 2005, 08:53 pm
Hey everyone,
Sorry if I'm being weird, I'm totally out of it.
Lately, nothing has felt right to me, and I cannot make up my mind
about anything, like my Winter Formal dress, or whether or not I'm
happy that Freelin is going to the Winter Formal with me.
I don't know, part of me thinks that it's fine that I like him, I
mean, he's only a friend and I know that will not change; I can tell,
he just doesn't have feelings for me, which kind of brings me down. But
then, I realise that I must accept the fact that he is only a friend, and I had better get my feelings for him over, and soon.
I really feel like I can be in a relationship again, especially
considering that I am over my feelings for Dorian and everything (thank
the gods!) and there are some great guys out there that are like a
million times better than Dorian.
I wish that I could be
in a relationship, though... People never really end up liking me, and
I don't know why. I guess I'm just "too much of a friend" to them, or
they're interested in someone else, maybe they think of me as a sister;
the fact of the matter is, no one ever really feels physical or sexual
attraction for me. If only I were beautiful, like Kimber or Taschy, or
Sara or Kyttie, maybe even Lizzie, Lauren, or Ariel...they all have
such beauty, something I could never hope to possess.
Kimber is back together with Cassidy (a boy), and it seems like
Taschy and Klae might be back together, and I just feel so very lonely,
I feel kind of left behind you could say. I don't know.
I hate this pressure that I'm putting on myself...but I can't help it. I want to be pretty, I want people to like me, I mean really like me. I'm so envious of those who are in long and steady relationships, it makes me feel so very left out.
::lovesick sigh:: Wed, Jan. 19th, 2005, 08:53 pm
My loves
Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?
I love The Postal Service. It's a band, by the way. And one of my very favorites 
Their music is so wonderful. It expresses what I cannot: this need for
love that I feel. Their lyrics say the words that have been caught in
my throat for almost my entire life. They (and, in fact, all of the
other bands I listen to) have been an endless escape for me, taking me
to places I have never even dreamed (dreamt?) of...
Music has provided me with more inspiration than anything else;
whenever I feel I have a case of writer's block (even though I know
that such a thing is a lie) all I have to do is listen to one of my
favorite songs, and then all I have to do is take a few of their words
and change them a bit, make them more original and me, and then I have
a new poem. It's wonderful. I love it.
My music is my love. Sun, Jan. 16th, 2005, 06:39 pm
Color desaturation and other beauties
Take this picture off the wall if it stops singing for you.
--I only want you to be happy...it's my life goal I swear--
Turn your world to black and white, if it really makes things any simpler.
--Because the colors confuse you, I will wash them all away--
I'll stitch you to my side if I must, only to make sure you don't get lost.
--Do you remember that one Winter we fell out of touch?--
I'll weave an endless tapestry to illustrate our lives together.
--Don't forget, there might be nothing but you and me someday--
Do something about this, but if only you still feel you know me...
--There was time when we lived without each other just fine--
Never will you hurt me enough, never will you love me enough.
--With this passion I feel I sometimes cannot stand to be with you--
But I'll never get out of bed if you really want me to stay and sleep.
--My Insomnia will never keep me away from you, I won't let it--
The colors all fade away until there is nothing left but us...in space.
--This deep dark place is so much nicer than the bedroom...it's freer--
We can be together forever if you want to...but you make the choices.
--Just because I trust you enough I will give you my heart and soul--
Then we go down to the meadows and live happily ever after.
--I can listen to your light breaths increasing, and then I am content--
Let us be together, we can be the cutest couple in the universe.
--Not that what others think makes a difference, but it's nice to hear--
It was when I just guessing, a few numbers and figures, then it hit me...
--I love you more than I can say, and there's nothing I can do about it--
It is in my room that we both let loose, and danced together.
--It was my first dance, sorry I was so awkward, but it was still wonderful--
I was scared, so frightened that you didn't love me just the same.
--But then when I heard you sing to me, I could finally see you did--
I'm not sure what it is about the way you looked at me just then...
--Roses bloomed on your cheeks and rain poured from your eyes--
So then I could see the depths of your emotions for me.
--Deeper than the sea could ever be, darker than the velvet of space--
All alone, watching the sunset, I knew you painted the sky for me.
--I could see all the brushstrokes and teardrops distorting the clouds--
We were always together, and when I saw you, time just...stopped.
--And then time had to catch up and you almost escaped from me--
I caught you in a web I wove specifically for you, it sounds cruel I know...
--But you fell into it willingly, and we fell in love...together--
~
Sun, Jan. 16th, 2005, 06:37 pm
It's like a duet, only...dark.
[NOTE: Purple=Person A, black=Person B]
~
Lead to the meadows,
in the Winter time, I wave
to a flock of pure doves
on with faith to the grave.
Through this Grey December,
the skies paved with white,
I prayed then and forever
that I could silently take flight.
I looked to the horizon,
looked to your pearl-white eyes.
I asked what was wrong
but could see through your lies.
"Look to my eyes," I said,
and you did not glance, but gaze.
Then looked up to the stars,
and remembered those golden days.
I could see what was to come,
but of course could never admit.
And I could see that long before
you were already over it.
"I pray now that you're lonely,"
The epitaph on my future grave.
For I know you believe that
I should get what I gave.
And now my soul is frozen,
and untold will remain the pain
that I faced when you left me
nothing but a rose in the rain...
~
Well...that was...interesting o_O
Wed, Jan. 12th, 2005, 08:43 pm
They say "Never say never," but I can never again love you.
I am living in a nightmare where good always wins.
I am living in a place where the winter begins.
In this dream I am enveloped,
I bathe in rain from red September.
I kissed these tears of mine goodbye,
for a reason I cannot remember...
And I plead with you, now before you,
take my hand again, only once more.
Guide me through this silent coma,
for I shall have to find what this is for.
Come to me, fold to me, in my arms.
Hold me in your ever-mesmeric sway.
Dance with me into the starry night.
Let us live like this were our last day.
And I promise to you my dear,
that if I cannot find a way to persuade,
this first time shall be the only time
and then it all shall be unmade...
It was not that the knife lacerated,
it was that the knife made me grow cold.
It was not that the pain was too much,
it was that my pain was left untold.
Perhaps forever, it is in this nightmare that I am bound,
perhaps never, is a day that my love for you can be found...
Wed, Jan. 12th, 2005, 04:40 pm
BOYS 'R' US
I think about boys 40 minutes out of every hour.
...and I thought I was a lesbian!
Funny how things turn out, isn't it? Tue, Jan. 11th, 2005, 05:44 pm
Kiss me you fool!
Yeah, I still miss having a boyfriend.
It's really all about having somebody to hug and hold and kiss and cling to...I liked that...a lot. And I miss it even more.
Yeah, I get too attached. Yeah, I get too
used to a certain rutine, I got too used to having somebody to hold me
all day then kiss me goodbye.
Yes I am pathetic.
Just shut the fuck up already... Mon, Jan. 10th, 2005, 04:55 pm
Not sure why...
Today was such a bad day. I don't even know why...I just felt like
starting shit with someone, you know? Girlfighting. I want to call some
girl I don't like too much a bitch and see where it goes from there. I
don't know. I just FEEL like it, okay?? 
...
Sorry. BAD BAD DAY. Very bad. Bad bad bad bad bad. HORRIBLE.
...
I HATE YOU ALL!
...
I'm scared. I've never had a day quite THIS bad. I've never actually hated every organism that has come within ten-and-a-half feet of me. But today...I did. And even though I tried not to, I think I ended up making some people feel bad today...but I really didn't mean to!
Oh, gods. How will I survive through this?
But, wait, is there actually ANYTHING I have to survive against? What obstacles are in my way, if any? Or am I just a pissy little bitch?
...
FUCK. Fri, Jan. 7th, 2005, 03:58 pm
Mutter...
"Well, mom, it's just that you're always busy..."
"But I'm not too busy to take care of you!"
...
I guess she just doesn't realize that she IS too busy to take care of us.
And, if she's NOT busy, she's drunk, or at least pretty fucked-up, too much to actually function.
Alcohol and anti-depressants is never a good mix...
::sigh::  Thu, Jan. 6th, 2005, 10:35 pm
Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match!
Couples I have set up so far:
 Sara / Klae
Kimber / Cassidy
Lizzie / Jimmy
Now...all I have to do is find a way to snag the guy I'm into, and then BAM! all will be well in my life.
Well...not really...but I really like this guy! ::all dreamy-eyed:: Maybe he'll ask me out...my friends seem to think he will!
Okay, yeh, I'm obsessive. SO FUCKEN WHAT???
I like being the matchmaker and all, but I really want someone for
myself right now! I need a break from helping others, and I need to
find a way to improve my own life. Yesh, indeed, that is what I should
do...
It'll be hard, considering I LOVE to give advice and stuff...but right now...
It's MY turn to be selfish! Wed, Jan. 5th, 2005, 10:44 am
I want to weep at the sound of your name.
In the coldness of morning,
drowning the rust,
you told me it would rain,
but I did not trust.
These wishes of love,
rose petals in a well,
I know what shall happen
but will never tell.
I'll cry myself a river
to drown in cold tears.
I'll find it in my heart
to shake away these fears.
So come dance with me,
together in the rain again.
Make me feel passion,
make me feel pain again.
For once upon a time
in a battle far below,
I whispered words of magic,
that I did not even know.
This loneliness of mourning,
please kiss away these tears.
I promise to remain with you
another thousand painful years.
And I wish I was beautiful,
much too lovely to quell.
A rose in this dark world,
growing alone in a well.
But I lament my sorrow,
for my pain is my muse.
Just hurt me, once more,
but do not abuse.
Tue, Jan. 4th, 2005, 07:22 pm
ANGST--Chapter V
I refuse to be loved by you.
I refuse to be rejected by you.
I refuse to be hurt by you.
I refuse to be broken by you.
Don't love me...
But don't reject me.
Don't you DARE hurt me.
Don't break me again...
Love me, so much --
IT HURTS ME.
Reject me, before --
I LOVE YOU TOO.
Hurt me, so much --
IT FEELS GOOD.
Break me, make me --
HATE ME MORE.
I like the love ((so love me))
But the rejection feels good ((hate me))
The hurt is pleasurable ((hurt me))
But I hate myself ((so break me))
Deep dark secrets I love lay within me,
though I try to hide and reject them,
because I do not want to hurt you,
and I do not want you to hate me.
I love myself,
though I reject who I am.
It hurts me so much,
but the hate feels good. Tue, Jan. 4th, 2005, 04:04 pm
Crushing all over again
Hahaa, new crush, REAL crush, it's official!
OMFG!
This is GREAT.
I'm happy that I'm liking somebody once again ::dances happily:: but also rather sad...
I hope I don't end up getting rejected. I don't know, but according to my friends, people have been talking about me and this guy going out for a long time now, even before Dorian dumped me  Woah. Kind of weird.
Anyways, the guy I like is WAY COOL. He's really really cute and his HAIR is fucking awesome. I love to touch it...
But yeh, he's actually got BRAINS ((woah!)) He appreciates music and fine/indepedent film, and wants to be a director someday, which is fucking AWESOME.
Kimber and Cassidy, Lizzie and Jimmy, and I all went to the movies to see Life Aquatic ((BAD MOVIE!!)) and I decided to invite the guy I like along...
I didn't REALLY start to like him until I saw him there, and then we held hands throughout like...the whole movie  Heehee...it was...very nice, actually...
I really like him now...I hope that he ends up liking me, too!
That would be totally kickass... Fri, Dec. 31st, 2004, 11:08 am
HOLY BALLS BATMAN.
Peppermint Mocha Frappucino with double shot of espresso...
I'm freakin' ouuuuut... Wed, Dec. 29th, 2004, 09:08 pm
I miss you today...
Carry me, far away from this dark place.
Carry me, upon your angel wings.
I swear to you, I won't take too long
to get ready and gather up my things.
I cannot say how sorry I am,
for how I have failed you.
I will try to patch things up again,
there isn't a thing I wouldn't do.
I will set things right again, as I am nostalgic.
I miss the old times, I miss the way we were,
as I sit here looking through this book, I think
of how it makes these feelings inside me stir.
This is the picturebook of my mind,
it reminds me of how we used to be.
I miss how we once danced and laughed...
But now, it is only a vivid memory.
I miss you today, my angel, my saviour.
But I know there is nothing I can do.
I can only sit here and silently break apart,
because it hurts to be away from you...
As I dream of you I realize,
that I want you even more.
I want to see you smile again,
even more than I did before.
I hear footsteps entering the door now,
though I know that I am merely dreaming.
You are gone now, but I can imagine you,
stopping these tears as they're streaming.
Time flies by when you're having fun.
Well, my time with you just didn't last.
I now only have these memories left,
all of these echoes from the past.
I, so determined, hold on with all my might.
I am like a flower drifting upon the sea.
A seamstress now, I try to stitch you to my side,
because I cannot let go of what could be...
~
Feeling I love someone that I've never known...
I miss somebody today...but I don't know who.
And it hurts, so much.
It's like...I once loved somebody...but I don't know who they are.
They whisper to me of times past, of how much fun we had together, but I've no idea who it is.
Help me...love me...just hold me once again...in your arms...
love...
I miss you today... 
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